


The Stars And Their Secrets

by SleepingNebula



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), star - Fandom
Genre: Child Abuse, F/M, Famine - Freeform, Fem!Bones - Freeform, Secret Relationship, Tarsus IV, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 05:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17277530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepingNebula/pseuds/SleepingNebula
Summary: In all seriousness, a man of Jim Kirk’s intellect should have seen something coming.  But Jim’s tired, exhausted if he’s honest, and he’s never been much good in the mornings anyway – if synthesised mornings even count – without either adrenaline or coffee.  Both unless something interesting is happening.Jim Kirk has faced many things in his life, death included, and still he wakes up every morning to command the starship Enterprise.  Except one morning he wakes up to find all of his demons have surfaced and he must do one thing he's never done before; face them all at once.





	1. Chapter 1

Jim should’ve known something was up from the sheer number of stares he gets as he makes his way from his quarters to the bridge for alpha shift. They aren’t the sort he is accustomed to either; admiration he gets a lot of, resentment he gets more of, and curiosity, well, there’s that too. But these looks hold pity and prior knowledge, and this is something new to him. More than one ensign stops completely in their tracks, eyes wide and posture ridged – but not stood at attention – as he passes, ignoring his nods in their direction.

To be honest they look more like they’ve seen a ghost than their superior officer. He might even had considered it was the fact that he’d died – he’d _died_ – if that hadn’t been over three years ago. Ensign Mathews has crossed his path a hundred times since then and has never walked into a wall in shock before.

So, in all seriousness, a man of Jim Kirk’s intellect should have seen something coming. But Jim’s tired, exhausted if he’s honest, and he’s never been much good in the mornings anyway – if synthesised mornings even count – without either adrenaline or coffee. Both unless something interesting is happening.

The turbolift opens with its usual noise and Chekov calls his usual, _“Kapitain iz on ze bridge,”_ as he steps out. Which provides a vague sense of normality, right up until he spots Uhura eyeing him apprehensively from her station.

“Did I die in my sleep and someone forgot to tell me?” He asks, irritated that Uhura of all people is acting strangely. She’s the most restrained and professional person he’s ever met, and if she’s acting weird then he wonders if he should be worrying.

“No, Sir.” She says, uncomfortably, unable to meet his eye.

Which she’s never had an issue with before.

“Alright, someone better explain the problem and quickly.”

Everyone suddenly seems absorbed in their work, conveniently looking down.

“Lieutenant?”

Uhura finally looks up, her expression grim, like she’s steeling herself for something.

“Have you checked your PADD yet today, Sir?”

“No.” Jim’s routine has remained the same ever since he took command of the Enterprise; wake up, make self vaguely presentable, stumble to bridge, acquire coffee, ask about updates and then check PADD. Uhura knows this.

He looks at the blank screen in his hand and presses the button to make it blink to life. _74 New Messages_ , flashes back at him and he opens up the software to look through them. Even by the Captain of the Enterprise’s standards, that is a lot of mail. The first few are just standard stuff; Scotty’s latest project needs permission before he can begin, Spock’s data analysis of the last system they visited, various results from ongoing experiments, infrastructure updates, and…

Jim’s heart stops still in his chest, because everyone’s reactions to seeing him suddenly make sense.

_The Starfleet File of Captain James T. Kirk Revealed For The First Time._

He can feel the blood draining from his head and limbs in dread, and for a moment he even thinks he might fall, but horror roots him to the spot. Because that file contains _everything_ , his entire life. And that is something he’s worked hard to keep hidden. Frank, Tarsus, his mother, his own death, Leah…

Oh God.

At first he thinks he’s going to be sick, can feel his stomach heaving, all thoughts about breakfast long gone. But then he realises it isn’t that kind of sickness, instead it’s one that exists in his mind and soul.

_Oh God._

“Captain?” Uhura sounds worried for him, her voice unsure. The very same Uhura who he’s only ever seen cry when he was actually dying.

Jim clings to the PADD, forcing himself to breath, hoping that at any moment he’ll wake up and this will be just another nightmare.

Except life has never been that kind to him, has it? At every turn it’s sought to destroy him, at every turn it’s almost succeeded.

“Has this been sent to everyone onboard?” His voice is dangerously quiet.

“Captain, Jim…” Uhura says, and that’s so much worse than an answer, because she’s trying to console him, offer him her pity. And if there’s something he hates, it’s pity.

“Has it?” The razor edge of his voice makes her flinch.

“From what we can tell the file has… it’s been…” she looks at her own console, taking a breath herself, “it looks like it’s been leaked by someone outside of Starfleet…”

The feeling of dread doesn’t go anywhere, just gets exponentially worse.

“…universally.” She finally finishes.

A pin could be heard dropping on the bridge if anyone dared to move in the silence that followed to make it, nobody willing to so much as breath until the Captain reacts. Because most of them have seen it, the file, and those that haven’t know what’s in it by word of mouth, and they know exactly how bad it is.

Jim himself feels like he’s thirteen again, eating grass and leather shoes to survive. Or maybe he’s eight and Frank has just broken his bone for the first time – _it’s his own fault_ , of course, _he had it coming_. The fear and pain is still just as real as it was then, nothing about his past has changed. The fact that it happened at all has ensured that. It was all buried behind a wall of alcohol and violence, and then, when he’d met Leah, behind her friendship and eventually, yes, love. But now it’s reared its ugly head again, and this time it’s not just for Jim’s viewing but everyone’s.

A personal Hell couldn’t be more agonizing.

Jim’s spent years burying the crap that’s happened to him, lost years of his life to it, forced to eternally relive it though memories that won’t leave him, will _never_ leave him. Death and famine and pain, that’s all his childhood ever was, what his adulthood could so easily have been if Pike hadn’t convinced him to join Starfleet and Leah hadn’t dragged him out of the darkness with her sheer stubbornness.

He’d thought he was finally safe from it, that he’d finally moved on.

But the universe has never favoured him. Since the day he was born it has been baying for his blood, and Jim should really have known that any happiness he finally found would be fleeting. Because no-one will ever look at him the same way again after reading his file, and how can a captain command a ship without the support of his crew?

“Captain?” It takes longer than it should for Jim to realise Uhura has approached him, trying to get his attention.

“I’m fine, Lieutenant.” He says, his voice so flat that she wonders if for a second if it was even him that spoke. “Get back to your station.”

Inside he’s panicking, trying to force himself to keep breathing, wanting nothing more than to be alone in his quarters, away from the concerned and pitiful eyes of his crew. Even the sound of the turbolift opening doesn’t pull his gaze from staring at the title of the message, at least not until its passenger speaks.

“Where the fuck is he?” The sound of boots clicking on the floor is accompanied by an angry shout for, “Jim?” The volume falls away as the speaker spots him, and he forces himself to look up at his wife.

She’s beautiful when she’s angry, that he’s always known, but she’s also incredibly terrifying. Her face softens as she spies him though, her anger evidently not for him. It changes not to pity but _relief_.

“Thank God,” she mutters, and approaches him with an aura of calmness she didn’t possess two seconds earlier.

With gentle hands she takes the PADD from his grasp and puts it on his chair, before tilting his head down to face her, her body close to his, expression questioning. There’s nothing sexual about the gesture, but it is incredibly intimate, and after years of keeping their relationship a secret his automatic response is to pull away. But he refrains, instead leaning into her touch, allowing the feeling of the familiar. If his file has been released, she’ll have been listed as his spouse and there’s no point in hiding anymore.

He can feel the eyes of everyone on the bridge on them, now aware of their relationship, that the rings on their fingers are no coincidence. Jim feels exposed by the notion, that his safety has been laid bare so quickly, he feels vulnerable.

She doesn’t ask if he’s ok, nor does she try to tell him everything’s going to be alright, because they respect each other far too much to lie to each other. Instead she takes his hand and pulls him towards the lift, and he allows himself to be lead, numb at the prospect of what will happen now that everything is out in the open.

“Spock you have the Conn, try to…” he breathes out heavily, “try to contact command and find out what’s happened.”

“Yes, Captain.” Spock replies in his usual professional manner, and Jim wonders if he’s seen the file.

He doesn’t know if he wants him to have or not.

Then the doors to the lift close and the motion dampers kick in as the lift shoots downwards.

Two people know of his life story; himself and his wife. Others, such as Pike, may know parts of it, but he’s only ever told the whole thing to Leah, when she’d in turn told him hers. She knows the entire contents of that file in more detail than anyone could ever hope to record. He’d told her everything; every event and emotion in turn, afraid with each new thing that she’d run off into the Black, not wanting to marry him after all. But she’d stuck around, and here they are now, protected from prying eyes by nothing more than a turbolift.

“Spock has the Bridge, the Enterprise will be in good hands.” She assures him, knowing even now his mind will stray to his second wife.

Jim just nods curtly in response, not in an attempt to be rude, but in an attempt to hold himself together until he reaches his quarters. _Their_ quarters.

The doors open and a pair of yeomen greet them with more wide eyes and haunted looks. Jim’s never actually seen his file – believe it or not it’s above his clearance – but the stuff that’s made it on there must be bad. _Really_ bad, if Yeoman Jorak’s blanched skin is anything to go by. He wants to shout that at least they didn’t have to live it, that at least reading about Hell is easier than enduring it. But he doesn’t because he knows it’s not their fault, he’s just so _angry_.

And scared. Of confronting his past, of what will happen next, of losing everything forever.

Leah slips her hand into his, a sign of solidarity on her part, and then she leads him past the yeomen and down the corridor. It’s clear that they’re together now and people not only stop and stare but whisper once they’ve past, like the second someone is out of sight you can no-longer hear them. Jim has to hand it to her; she doesn’t shy away, she’s not embarrassed, or if she is, she hides it well. Her head is held high, as his should be, and she walks neither quickly nor slowly, but almost leisurely, establishing her control of the situation. He doesn’t know what he’d do without her.

When they come to the Captain’s quarters, she unlocks the door with her own code in front of all those that pretend not to be following them, a show of her own status if nothing else – her way of saying she is with the Captain, and she isn’t ashamed of it. It locks behind them again, and only then do her shoulders sag in relief and only then is a small sigh is allowed to escape.

“I hate the curiosity of humanity.” She says quietly, thinking how if everyone minded their own business her husband would be safe.

“You and me both.” It’s the first thing Jim’s properly said to her today – their interactions were less vocal and more physical this morning. “They know.” He adds almost dispassionately.

Bones looks at him, judging that at this point in time he isn’t ready for any kind of comfort, he’s too locked inside his own mind, sorting out his own thoughts, and until he’s done he won’t let her in. He needs time, she knows, and as much as it hurts her to know he’s hurting, she also knows she could do more damage by forcing him to talk. “They do.”

“Have you read the file?” He asks as he strips off his command gold and trousers, favouring putting on a t-shirt instead.

“No.”

“I wouldn’t resent you, if you did, you know.” He says, not looking at her. “There’s nothing you don’t know on there. It might even be better if you have… that way I wouldn’t have to.”

“I wouldn’t without your permission.”

“No one else seems to have bothered asking.” Jim says bitterly, throwing his balled-up shirt to one side.

“Do you want to call command?” She asks, slipping off her own blue dress in favour of one of his t-shirts.

“Now? No. I’m angry and it’ll just end up with the Enterprise being given to someone else sooner rather than later.”

“They fucked up Jim, that’s on them.”

“And me, the consequences are definitely falling on me.”

Bones doesn’t deny it, instead she looks at him appraisingly. “Alright, I’m going to give you a sleeping shot.”

“Why did I marry my CMO?”

“’Cos you love me. Now, on the bed.”

Normally that would have been accompanied by suggestive eyebrows and a long line of innuendos from Jim, but not today. And if McCoy ever needs a conformation from Jim that he isn’t alright, then the fact that he doesn’t even mention sex is usually a pretty good indicator.

She grabs her emergency bag from the wardrobe and roots around until she finds the hypo she’s looking for, before turning back to Jim. He’s lying on his side, turned away from her, not moving, looking for all the world like he’s asleep. Except Leah knows better. Jim may not have slept properly since the Vylorian disaster a week earlier, but he definitely isn’t going to of his own accord now. And if its one thing he needs now, it’s sleep.

“Don’t leave me.” He mumbles as she approaches him.

“I would never.”

And with that she jabs the hypo spray into his neck and he’s lost to the world for a time.


	2. Chapter 2

Leah knows she has Jim’s permission, but that possibly makes it worse.  He wants her to see the file, so that he doesn’t have to, so that he can just ask her how bad it is.  And Bones knows what’s on that file, Jim told her everything before they married, but there hadn’t been pictures or situation analysis in that conversation as is likely to be found on any Starfleet personal file.  She may be a doctor, but there are a few things even she hasn’t seen and doesn’t want to.

But at the same time she does.  She wants to understand the fallout that Jim is about to face, that by extension she will too.

She’s drawn out of her indecision by the chimes for the overvoice.

_“This is Commander Spock speaking.  Command has been made aware of the unauthorised release of one of the command crew files.  I find it prudent to remind you that the viewing of files above your clearance is forbidden and anyone found to do so will be disciplined in line with regulations.”_

A second chime indicates the end of the message.

Leah sighs.  While the hobgoblin means well, the whole universe already knows about the contents of that file, if the crew of the Enterprise, those that have actually met Jim, are the last to find out, it might actually work against them.  It’s the reaction of the crew they’re going to have to watch; if the crew react badly then those on Earth will react far worse, and if the crew can sympathise with Jim, well… maybe there’s hope yet. 

Leah switches on her own PADD, with a single look to Jim where he lies asleep on the bed besides her.  _59 New Messages_ , blinks at her and she sighs again.  Her record may be _167_ , after that bout of Gorillian Influenza back in the first year – and she can tell you that was not fun – but _59_ is still considerable.  And most of them, she guesses, aren’t even related to her work.

As she scrolls down to find the offending file – she knows it’s there, Chapel’s screech back in the medbay is confirmation it’s reached the medical staff alongside the rest of the galaxy – she finds a message from her ex-husband titled _congratulations on the second marriage_ , and if she knows anything about her ex it’s that he really doesn’t mean that.  She doesn’t even bother clicking on it before she deletes if from existence and selects the file just below.

It’s an article, an _evaluation_ of Jim’s file as opposed to the actual file itself, but that’s possibly worse, and Bones may have taken the Hippocratic Oath, but she sure as hell wants to throttle the hotshot journalist who’s making money at her husband’s expense.

**The leak of one of Starfleet’s better-known captain’s file took the net by storm last night when his file revealed a less than savoury past.  Captain James T. Kirk may be somewhat of a media favourite after his first command, aboard the Flagship Enterprise, which has been more eventful than any other command in Starfleet’s history…**

_Yeah, he saved you sorry asses,_ Leah thinks angrily.  She’s not entirely sure she’s going to be able to get to the end of this article.

**…but his past is far darker than just the events of the Kelvin.  Kirk’s file has revealed a previously unknown legacy that has been hidden by Starfleet Command for reasons that were made clear upon its release.  It is still unknown who or what leaked the file, but it has quickly become the most shared document of the year, despite its grim contents.**

Leah McCoy is not a naturally violent person, she’s really not, she’s a doctor for Christ’s sake.  But right now, she’s very, _very_ angry.  Because the article is so clinical, as if it’s allowed to dissect the life of her husband with no consequences.

**It makes sense to analyse the contents of the file chronologically, and so I’ll begin with the first entry when Kirk was eight years old.  The file does mention the Kelvin Incident, but given its widely known history, I’ll omit reference to that here.**

**The loss of Commander George Kirk certainly shaped the Captain’s childhood, and many may not know but his mother, Admiral Winona Kirk of Starbase 11, remarried Frank Wilson two years after the death of his father.  Little is known about the Captain’s early years, but the file does mention a police report that was made shortly after Kirk’s eighth birthday in which he claimed the broken arm he’d sustained was curtesy of his stepfather.  It seems that Winona’s sons lived with Frank for a time when she went back on active duty.  George Samuel Kirk Jr., James’ older brother, who was ten at the time, took him to the station to make the report.  The case was dismissed when the boys’ mother came back personally to Earth to testify that James had fallen out of a tree.**

**The case may be insignificant, showing nothing more than the lying tendencies of a boy, but it was documented by police at the time and both of the children were noted to have extensive injuries, with many partially healed lacerations indicating older traumas.  (Photo below: James T. Kirk, Case 4827389.)**

Leah’s heart clenches at the photo.  It shows Jim – Jimmy he would be at that time – up against a wall, and he’s _tiny_.  He’s never shown her any photos from when he was younger, and, given his past, she’s been led to believe there were none.  But this is most definitely him.  The eyes are so obviously the same, with the vibrant blue found no-where else, that she almost wakes up her husband up just to check that they don’t hold the same terror as the photo.  Nothing else in the photo eludes to the face that this is her Jim.

The child is evidently fearful of his surroundings, hunched over himself as if he’s attempting to make himself smaller.  His skin is not exactly dirty, but neither is it clean.  A mop of unruly hair sits atop his head, and he almost hides behind it.  Bruises are faint, but evidently there, and his brow is split in an older looking cut.  The child has his thumb in his mouth and he looks so vulnerable, so unlike the confident, blasé Jim that she knows and loves, that has to actually remind herself of why she put him to sleep in the first place to stop from waking him up just to check he’s unharmed.

**The next five years of Kirk’s life are largely unknown.  Did his stepfather really beat him, or was it a bid for attention?  The truth is unclear, but given a case opened just before Kirk’s thirteenth birthday, in which Frank reported his Corvette stolen by Kirk, it is likely that it was largely in a bid for attention.  The stolen Corvette was picked up by a local officer not far from the family’s home, which prompted Kirk to drive the car off the cliff, himself unharmed, but Wilson’s property damaged irreversibly.**

_Unharmed?_  Bones is livid.  A child reports abuse and no-one believes them, the child reacts accordingly and is branded a delinquent.  She’s seen it time and time again, and the very fact that this is _Jim_ only makes matters so, so much worse.

**The reality that Frank was violent is unlikely, especially given that Kirk’s school reports and grades remained high.  High enough that James was recommended for the Tarsus IV Student Exchange Programme just before his thirteenth birthday.  Some readers may remember the horrors of Tarsus IV, but for those that don’t a full history of the colony and its last governor, Kodos the Executioner, can be found HERE.  It may shock many to learn that our infamous Captain was not only present on the colony when it fell but played an active part in the fallout as the hero J.T…**

Leah’s blood both boils and freezes.  That was his alias, the way he kept himself safe from Tarsus and his past.  All that horror happened to J.T, not Jim, and no-one would ever know otherwise.  Except now they do, and Jim can hide no more.  It might destroy him.

**…who, until now, was presumed dead by the general public.  J.T’s exploits are widely documented by the children that he saved and kept alive for all of those months until help arrived.  The nine children he kept safe have ensured that his memory lived on after he was thought dead at the hands of the Executioner himself.**

**An interview with one survivor, not named out of fear for their safety,…**

Her nostrils flair, and she swears she can’t stop them.  _What about Jim’s safety?_

**…described many of ‘J.T’s’ actions in detail, including how he shot and killed two guards to save their life.**

Below is an imbedded clip and McCoy braces herself to press play.  Jim tosses in his sleep next to her, and she places a kiss to his forehead – something she wouldn’t normally do, she isn’t mushy or anything, but it feel appropriate.  There’s a mumble of “’ones” and he shifts to face her.

“I’m here.”  She assures him.

He looks younger in his sleep, like he would if he didn’t carry the weight of experience on his back. 

She plays the clip.

They’ve gone for the typical victim-shrouded-in-shadow style and it’s impossible to tell who the person on camera is, but the voice is clear, evidently a man’s.

Some one-off camera asks, ** _“what can you tell us about the boy who saved you, about J.T?”_ **

The figure in the shadows shuffles in his seat.  ** _“The first time I met him was two weeks after the initial order, and I was solo at that time, not doing so well on my own.  Food had been scarce before the massacre and after it was almost none-existent.”_**

 ****The figure pauses, and Leah hates to imagine what he’s remembering.

**_“We both had the idea to check one of the old storage silos – more of a desperate last hope than anything else – and there was a bit of a stand off between us over the spilt grains on the floor.  It was him that suggested we work together instead of against each other, given we both had the common goal of survival.  He was younger than me, only by a year as I later found out, but he looked like he knew what he was doing, and I was desperate enough to believe him, so I agreed.”_ **

Leah remembers this story, from Jim’s view of course, about how he’d met a boy he was terrified he’d have to fight to feed his kids, and how he was relieved that they became friends instead.  This is Thomas Leighton.

**_“He told me his name, J.T, and took me back to his hideout.  It was nothing more than a cave in the rock, but it was more safety than I’d had in over two weeks, and I was grateful for it.  I wasn’t the only one either, ‘cos inside there were twenty-six others, all kids, all alive despite Kodos’ attempts otherwise, all because of him.”_ **

She knows hero worship when she see it, has seen it plenty of times in Jim’s direction before, but this is different, this is founded on experience.

**_“J.T and I, we were the oldest, so it fell to us to go searching for food and medicine and the like.  For weeks we barely made it by, some days returning with nothing but old leather shoes…”_ **

he pauses again, evidently debating whether or not to say something,

**_“…On one occasion I brought back a leather jacket and all the kids cheered as if I’d brought them a feast.”_ **

Leah’s stomach rolls at the idea, her breakfast no longer her friend.

**_“We lost a few of the kids along the way.”_ **

There’s a violent sniff from the shadows and someone offers him a tissue, but he waves it away.

**_“Flo went in her sleep in the third week, some kind of fever took her, and she was too weak to fight it off.  Edmund had a seizure, we didn’t know why, and he just never woke up.  His twin, Lora, killed herself two days later.  Clara, the baby, Vil, Mori, Lyn, Sora.  The hunger got them eventually, or complications from it.  When you don’t eat, you don’t just lose weight, your bones go brittle, your hair falls out, your eye sight goes, nothing heals, you can barely find the strength to move… and that’s if you have the will to get that far.  Not many people did.”_ **

The description he gives is so vivid that McCoy doesn’t even denounce that her hands are shaking.  She knows the effects of starvation and malnutrition, of course she does, she’s not a doctor for nothing, but she’s never had the misfortune to live them.

**_“I took their deaths badly, but J.T took them personally, like it was his fault and not Kodos’.  He insisted we buried every single one of them, even Mori, even though…”_ **

From behind the camera a voice can be heard asking him if he wants to stop, but he shakes his head.

**_“No, it needs to be said.  These people need to be remembered, we owe them that.”_ **

There’s another pause and he carried on. 

**_“Mori wanted us to… to… she told us to eat her, so that we’d survive.”_ **

There’s another uncomfortable heave from her stomach and she has to remind herself that they were starving, _properly_ starving.

Tom goes quiet now. **_“J.T insisted we buried her.  I offered to stay behind to do it while he went out to continue searching – one of us had to carry on or we wouldn’t stand a chance – so he agreed.  Only we… we didn’t bury her… we did as she asked.”_**

Even before she realises she’s doing it her hand cover her mouth, trying to stop what is inevitably coming.

**_“We told J.T we’d caught a rabbit of all things, but then there was about the same amount of meat as you’d get off a rabbit.  J.T would rather have died than go through with her plan, but if he died, if I died, then all of the remaining kids would have died too, and I could never have let that happen.  Mori helped us to survive a few more weeks.”_ **

Leah barely makes it to the sink before her breakfast makes its reappearance.  Gore and horror don’t normally bother her, she’s a doctor, but the very fact that this is what happened to her husband is what makes her feel ill.  And, god, the nature of it, it shouldn’t happen to anyone, let alone a _child_.  Cruelty still exists in the world, her ex is an ode to that, but her own suffering is nothing on Jim’s.

The recording can be heard, still playing from the bed.

**_“It was about nine and a half months in that I got shot, on a food mission.  I was tired and hungry and in pain, my wits weren’t with me and we were desperate for food, I was careless.  They found me trying to raid a supply truck, one that delivered food to the remaining colonists, and they shot me, or at least they tried to.  J.T as ever came to my rescue.”_ **

Leah stands up from the sink, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, sanitation be damned.

**_“I took a direct hit to the eye and lay on the floor, dying.  He came charging in, shot the two guards that were after me, and dragged my sorry ass back under the fence.  I don’t really remember much after that, only running, lots of running, that I couldn’t manage, so he carried me.  He carried me despite the fact he barely had the strength to stand himself, and he took me back to the cave.”_ **

**_“I’m afraid I don’t remember much after that.  My next memory is waking up in a rescue shuttle several days after Starfleet arrived, to find myself blind in one eye and being told that J.T had been captured by Kodos and presumably killed.”_ **

There’s a long pause in the clip and at first Leah assumes it’s over, finally over, but then someone asks a question.

**_“What was his real name?”_ **

And Tom actually laughs. ** _“As far as I’m concerned it was J.T.  When your living on the edge of survival names matter less than friendly faces.  He was always a little sensitive about his name, so I didn’t ask, J.T worked just as well as anything else.  He saved my life, he saved the lives of nine children, we respected his privacy in return.”_ **

Then the clip finally ends.

And all that rings in her head is twenty-six children to ten.  So many deaths, and none of them had been kind, none of them with any dignity.  Jim knows each and everyone of their names, how they died, who they were.  He’s never forgotten, and he’s never forgiven, and some days McCoy doesn’t know how that doesn’t consume him.  She went over the edge after the death of her father and a crappy divorce, and Jim survived _this_.

**It makes for an intriguing watch doesn’t it?  I wonder how the witness would feel if they knew J.T was really alive, and had never bothered to get in contact?**

Of all the low blows this bastard has thrown, that is by far the lowest.  Leah is going to hunt this shit down and teach them a thing or two about basic fucking decency.


	3. Chapter 3

**Now, how do we know Kirk is J.T, you ask?  Well, Kirk’s file has several pages worth of material placing him on Tarsus IV at the time of the massacre, and besides the obvious connection with the initials, Kirk admitted his alias to Commander Pike after being rescued.  The very same Captain Pike who recruited Kirk eight years later and worked alongside George Kirk on the Kelvin.  The detailed account of his time on Tarsus IV allow us to place Kirk after he was captured by Kodos, as the witness remembers.**

**Kodos’ response to Kirk’s capture was to make an example of him to the colony, to ensure no-one would help any of the remaining outlaws.  He did this by broadcasting Kirk’s torture to the remaining colony, as is seen in the film (below).**

Oh God. 

No.

They are not showing the torture of a child as if it is nothing more than a curiosity.  They aren’t showing the torture of Jim, but some faceless being.  Bones’ mind reels.  She knows it happened – she traces the scars on his back on a regular basis – but his personal account was hard enough, she sure as hell doesn’t want to see it.

But Jim wants her to get through the full article, so that they know exactly what kind of fallout they’re facing.  And she doesn’t want him to be the one to have to watch it.

So, she turns down the volume, till it’s barely audible, and presses play.

The scene shows a courtyard, the footage grainy, maybe from a security camera on the roof of a building.  In the middle of the yard is a post and a small figure without a shirt is tied there, arms above its head, not moving.  Even with the poor camera quality it’s evident that the figure is a child, a young one at that.  Or maybe the age is hidden by how small and frail the body has become.  Jim looks only eight or nine here, nothing like the nearly fourteen-year-old he would be by this point.

The figure in front of him is muscular, despite the shortage of food, and Bones knows from Jim’s description that this isn’t Kodos.  He holds a long thin stick, and McCoy knows exactly what’s about to happen, knows the consequences all too well.  Jim doesn’t wake up screaming in the middle of the night for no reason.

 ** _“Where are the rest of the scum?”_** The man asks.

Jim doesn’t say anything in return, doesn’t even move.  If Leah didn’t know better she’d say he was dead, at least until the man kicks him in the side and J.T’s response is an audible grunt.

**_“I asked you a question.”_ **

Either J.T is being incredibly brave, or he’s accepted the inevitable.  _I knew I was dead, I wasn’t going to let my last act to get my kids killed too_ , that’s what Jim had told her, and now watching the film she finally understands.  The people in the courtyard, God there has to be three hundred of them at least, are completely silent, doing nothing to stop the torture of a child.  But then J.T had already known they wouldn’t, he’d learned that the day he was born; just because they’re supposed, adults don’t always protect children.  _The only person you can ever truly trust is yourself, least that’s what I thought till I met you,_ had been one of Jim’s confession to her at the time.

 ** _“And I didn’t answer.”_** J.T snarls back.

The word feral springs into McCoy’s mind.

 ** _“We’ll soon change that.”_** The man laughs mercilessly, as he swaggers up to the post.

 ** _“I’ve been told stubbornness is a flaw of mine.”_** Jim manages to retort.

Stubbornness to live, despite all that want him dead.

The man’s answer comes in the form of a lash to J.T’s back, an accompanying crack echoing through the silent courtyard.  J.T’s entire body goes taunt, small muscles straining against their flesh bindings.  His mouth is opened in a wordless scream, teeth bared.

There’s a second crack and then a third and a forth before McCoy loses count, the man relentlessly beating the small child.  She closes her eyes, focusing on the breathing of the man next to her, the one who is unharmed.  When the sounds stops she opens her eyes, greet by the sight of bloof dribbling down J.T’s back, the skin open and weeping.  Only at the pause does he allow his body to sag, held up only by the restraints.

**_“Where are they?”_ **

J.T turns his head a little, to look his attacker in the eye, defiant to the end. 

This picture of her husband is so different to Jimmy – ‘cos that’s what he said he used to be called, before he was send by his mother to Tarsus to protect him from Frank – that if it weren’t for the eyes Leah isn’t sure she’d be able to recognise him.  But as ever Jim’s eyes betray him, a legacy that follows him through the years.  These eyes are one of a kind, found nowhere else in the universe.  No other child absorbed the radiation of the imploding core just minutes after they were born, no other being has eyes exactly this shade of blue.

It's Bones’ favourite colour, though she couldn’t put an accurate name to it if she tried.  Too bright to be sky blue, too warm to be ice.  Lapis is too dark and baby blue implies they’re innocent.  And Jim is far from innocent, the world has seen to that.

 ** _“Like Hell I’ll tell you.”_** J.T spits out, a rage present in his eyes that shouldn’t exist in a child.

 ** _“You’ll be there soon enough.”_** The man promises.

 **_“I’ll see you there then-”_ ** _another crack of the cane stops J.T’s reply._

And it’s all Bones can do to watch in horror, her hand slipping into her husbands sleeping one just so she has something to anchor herself against.  Knowing that this is in the past, that there’s nothing she can do to stop it, but not being able to stop the pain and horror and guilt, is not something she is capable of processing alone.  Over the years she’s got good at concealing her feelings behind a grouchy exterior, but that doesn’t mean she ever learnt how to deal with them.  _He survives_ , she reminds herself, _he recovers, maybe not completely, but enough to win in the end._

But it’s still hard to watch.  God, she doesn’t want to watch.  But the insatiable curiosity of humanity and many other species will throw this back at them again and again and they need to be prepared for that.  A dark part of Bones, the self-destructive part, also wants to know what haunts her husband, wants to know just exactly how bad it is.

The man keeps bringing the cane down, again and again, every muscle in J.T’s body clenched so tightly that it’s a wonder they don’t rip.  And the crowd does nothing, watching and waiting to be dismissed, deathly silent.  Here is Jim – J.T – being tortured before them, a child, and they wait patiently until it’s over, wait for him to reveal the names of more children to condemn to death. 

And Bones is so unbelievable angry with them, not caring if they’ve faced the famine themselves, because at least they have food, at least they haven’t faced the massacre with their own eyes.  Bones knows for a fact that if their positions were reversed, the only way one of them would have remained tied to that post was if J.T lay dead at their feet having tried to free them.

The man stops and stand there panting, kicking J.T’s lifeless form as if to check he hasn’t gone to far.  Flesh hangs in strips from his back, the floor around his feet is slick with blood and Leah can see actual bones, his ribs, poking out of his ruined back. 

She is so very nearly sick again.  This is Jim, her _Jim_ , and he’s only a child.

A groan echoes back round the court yard, from J.T, and it’s only then does Bones realise he hasn’t once cried out.  He’s kept his tongue, what’s left of his dignity, kept his kids safe.  Jim protects his own, somethings are constant across the years.

The man crouches low by J.T’s head. ** _“Where are the other children?”_**

For a second it looks as if J.T might answer, but then, with evident effort, he raises his head to his tormentor and spits at him.  Mucus and blood lands on the man’s face.  Nobody moves for a moment, then the man kicks J.T in the face, hard enough that the grinding of bone can be heard.  J.T’s entire body slumps forwards, and he doesn’t move again.

The recording ends then, pausing its horrible, grainy image, one that will forever be ingrained onto the backs of Bones’ eyelids.  Her hand is numb with how hard she’s gripping Jim’s.  The sedatives are probably the only reason he hasn’t woken up, and the fact the Leah considers giving herself a hypo, so she doesn’t have to process all that she’s seen, shows just how close to the edge she is.

The clinical part of her mind notes how long J.T held out, given his state of health at the time.  The knowledge that the lacerations would be unlikely to heal in such conditions and without any medical aid, and, yes, quickly result in his death.  Except he _lived_ , and the only explanation she can come up with for that is that he’s _Jim_.  He lives just to spite the universe, just to prove he _can_.

 **For those of you still with us, you need not fear: Kirk did survive, although it is clear that it may have been better if he hadn’t.  Kodos left behind detailed notes on the child that intrigued him so much, as well as footage of him from the cell he kept his captive in, all of which is attached to Kirk’s Starfleet file.  A summary of its contents can be found below** _._

Bones doesn’t need a summary, Jim has told her everything, but she needs to know just how much made it onto his file.  Just how much everyone else knows.

**_ENTRY ONE: boy woke up around twenty-seven hours after broadcast.  Indications of confusion, possible concussion, malnutrition, and excess blood loss.  When pressed refused to give own name or that of those he considers himself to protect.  Use of salts and acids to no avail.  Lost consciousness after seventeen minutes._ **

They’re Kodos’ words, or that of one close to him, and the though makes her sick to her very bones, no irony intended.  Kodos is so distanced from the situation, taking a clinical view of Jim’s – of J.T’s – life, as if it is his to take.  And she hates the way they say _pressed_ , as if they hadn’t doused his open wounds with some kind of chemicals, burning his raw flesh.  _I thought the display was bad, I couldn’t ever have anticipated what he would do out of the sight of the public_ , Jim had told her, somewhat drunk by that point in his story.  He hadn’t been able to tell it to her easily.

**_ENTRY TWO: boy couldn’t be roused, pulse present._ **

**_ENTRY THREE: boy awake when we arrived, still refuses to concede names.  Passed out._ **

**_ENTRY FOUR: boy awake again when we arrived, was conscious enough to talk (“Bastard,” “Over my fucking dead body,” “I’ll see you in hell.”)  Refused to reveal name.  Garett left with the boy._ **

**_ENTRY FIVE:  boy revealed name after the removal of rear molar.  Considers himself to be called J.T.  Still refuses to name companions or their whereabouts._ **

McCoy isn’t religious, couldn’t possibly be if this is what a deity lets happen to small children, but she mutters _Jesus_ all the same.  Jim had told the story with emotion – anger, fear, pain – but this is a completely different way of looking at it.  It’s almost as if Jim is an interesting specimen, and if Kodos had survived she’d hunt him down till the end of her days, Hippocratic Oath be damned.  They may only have been Jim’s baby teeth, but that doesn’t lessen the pain or the scarring or the fear.  That doesn’t make any of it even remotely justifiable.

**_ENTRY SIX: J.T mute, unresponsive.  This is possibly due to advanced starvation.  The water rations are no-longer sufficient._ **

**_ENTRY SEVEN: tactic changed.  Food was offered for information, this proved more responsive.  Names of the children were exchanged: Flori’iranthi, Edmund and Lora Josan.  Names on list of undesirables.  Will continue with this approach._ **

Even on the brink of death Jim has ever been resourceful, something she knows only to well personally, and it doesn’t surprise her that he learned to be early.  _Make them think they have something, that you’re valuable to them,_ Jim has said many times, has practised that very mantra on more than one occasion.

**_ENTRY EIGHT: more names offered, more food given.  Mori Loritheien, Sora Kryn.  Estimates suggest the malnutrition will kill him before the end of the week._ **

_They barely gave me a bread crust for each of their names, and even for that I was grateful_.  _They made me want to thank them for food._ Bones can still hear the disgust in Jim’s voice as he told her, like he’d been at fault.  _I was grateful._

**_ENTRY NINE: scouting party found empty hide out and graveyard of J.T’s associates.  Guards deployed to search the area.  Bioscanners identified the remains as those named by J.T.  J.T punished._ **

**_ENTRY TEN: the boy doesn’t know the location of his associates.  Refuses to name anymore.  Punished accordingly, begged for death.  Was informed nature would be allowed to take its course._ **

**Now, interestingly, the footage of ENTRY TEN was attached to Kirk’s file and is below for anyone who wishes to view it.  It is safe to say it doesn’t make for easy watching, but it does provide significant insight into Kirk’s persona and public image.  His undeniably traumatic childhood has evidently impacted greatly on his career, to the point where the very stunts he is famous for now appear to take a more suicidal stance.**

The writer’s judgement and evident lack of care for what the consequences of their article may be for Jim, are not only down right disrespectful of everything Jim has ever done, ever survived, they also hold the possibility of destroying everything he’s worked towards.  If Jim falls out of favour because people choose to wilfully misinterpret his past, then Starfleet could strip him of the Enterprise and banish him to a distant penal colony.  Bones’ is pretty sure her husband would prefer death.

The footage of Jim’s cell is waiting for her to press play, but McCoy really doesn’t want to.  Unlike everyone else she knows what it shows, knows exactly why everyone they’ve passed today has given her that haunted, unbelieving look.  Not one of them will ever be able to look at their Captain again without seeing the starving, tortured child he one was, begging for death.  The very one Jim is still trying to run from, even now.

Except J.T has finally caught up with him.

The picture is much clearer this time, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.  Much of the room is shrouded in shadow, the only thing that’s in the light is the table where J.T is bound, shirtless.  It’s easy to count his ribs and his arms are no thicker than the width of his bone.  His stomach is swollen, the evident sign of kwashiorkor.  Blue eyes sit too large in his face.  The sharp line of his cheekbones and hollow cheeks are almost painful to look at.  J.T’s hair is still blond, but now it’s much finer and looks as if it would break if you touched it.

Old blood is dried around his face and, well, everywhere.  Dark bruises swell under his skin, the haematomas look old, like they haven’t had chance to heal in months.  But the worst thing is the raspy breaths that J.T struggles to take, every movement painful.

Bones doesn’t even realise she’s crying until the first tear lands on the PADD.  This is her _Jim_.

 ** _“The camp was empty.”_** A voice from the shadows says, and she knows from Jim’s account it’s Kodos himself.  **_“But not by long.  My forces will find them soon.”_**

Kodos sighs, as if he is a schoolmaster dealing with a particularly ignorant child ** _.  “If you tell us where they have likely gone we can make their death much swifter, instead of long and drawn out.  They will surely starve without you anyway, they cannot be much better than you.”_**

Kodos sounds almost reasonable, that’s the worst part, like he’s trying to do J.T a favour.

For a long while J.T says nothing, but when he does Leah realises he was trying to find the strength to do so. ** _“I don’t know.”_**

 ** _“Let’s not be unreasonable, now.  We both know there’s only one way this will end.”_** Kodos says, and his voice drifts nearer to the camera.  It sounds old and scholarly, like someone you should be able to trust.

**_“I don’t know.”_ **

**_“You must have some idea.  You can’t tell me you didn’t have a contingency plan in case you were compromised, if you didn’t I’ll be disappointed in you J.T., you’re smarter than that.”_ **

_It’s down by where the river meets the lake_ , Leah wants to tell him, just so he won’t hurt Jim anymore.  She wouldn’t last in Jim’s scenario.  He is her weakness, he could be used against her.

 ** _“I don’t know.”_** J.T croaks again, desperation in voice.

 ** _“Garrett.”_** Kodos says, almost regretfully.

J.T’s entire body goes rigid, or at least as much as he is physically capable of.  **_“I don’t know!”_**   He shouts, he pleads to Kodos.

But there’s no answer besides the figure that must be Garrett as he steps in front of the camera’s view of J.T, shielding Bones from whatever really happens to him.  What it doesn’t block out is the piercing scream that J.T emits, not able to hold back his anguish.  After several long moments he stops and Garrett retreats, but Leah can still hear the cry ringing in her ears.  And she knows she will for as long as she lives.

A much smaller figure walks in front of the camera now, showing it only his back and a head of dark hair.  He looks wispy and small, far from the being of power that you’d imagine the Executioner to be.  Kodos bends over J.T’s face, ignoring the child’s sobs ** _.  “Where are they?”_** His voice is dangerous, and the threat of more pain is evident.

J.T doesn’t repeat his early sentiment, knows by now that Kodos won’t believe him ** _.  “Just kill me.”_** His own voice is quiet, bearly audible in fact, and it’s clear its owner is both ashamed and tired.

**_“I didn’t quite hear that, what did you say?”_ **

**_“Just kill me!”_**  J.T says much louder.  **_“I don’t know, you don’t need me anymore.  Just let me die.”_** The last part is nothing more than a beg.

And Kodos takes evident pleasure from it. ** _“No, you will die soon anyway, with or without my help.”_**

 ** _“JUST FUCKING KILL ME!”_** J.T finds the strength to scream, pulling against his restraints as much as he can.  **_“I want to die.”_** He says more quietly, before descending into hysterical crying.

Kodos turns to the shadows, ** _“are you writing up a summary?”_** He asks.

 ** _“Yes, Sir.”_** Come a dutiful voice.

**_“Good, let it reflect that in his last days the child begged.”_ **

**_“Yes, Sir.”_** Clinical, detached.  Emotionally removed.  But doing nothing to stop the child’s death. 

Bones hates them just as much as Kodos.

A pounding of steps can be heard from off camera, and then a new voice enters the room ** _.  “Sir!  They’re here, Starfleet are here.”_**

There’s a long pregnant pause before Kodos finally says, ** _“prepare my ship, retrieve my daughter.”_** Worry is suddenly clear in his voice, and he leaves the room, disregarding his specimen without further thought.  All of his men flood out behind him, leaving J.T alone on the table.  His sobbing subsides, and he lie eerily still, just waiting.

The light in the room suddenly changes drastically and Bones realises someone must have sped up the footage, because the rays of sun that creep in from the window slit near the roof – it must be a basement of some kind – disappear.  Then the video has sound again.

 ** _“Something’s down here!”_** Someone calls, presumably from the hall way.  This voice is new, much more energetic than those before.  Or maybe Bones only thinks that because it shows emotion. ** _“Commander, you might want to see this.”_**

**_“Coming, Lieutenant.”_ **

_I don’t remember much about the rescue, only his face,_ Jim had told her.  It had been the last thing he had seen before the darkness took him.

 ** _“Jesus Christ above,”_** someone says. ** _“Is that a person?”_**

Two figures come into the view of the camera, hands on their faces as they try to adjust to the smell.

 ** _“It’s a child.”_** Pike’s all too familiar voice says as he lowers the height of his blaster, rushing over to the table.  **_“He’s still breathing, but barely.  Get medical over here, now.”_**

 ** _“Yes, Sir.”_** The second figure seems to be only too eager to leave, visibly gagging.

 ** _“It’s going to be alright son,”_** Pike assures J.T. ** _“Can you hear me?”_**

J.T moves for the first time in what must be hours, nodding minutely.

**_“Help is on it’s way, we’ll have you out of here soon.”_ **

_When he first told me I was leaving, I thought it was another of Kodos’ schemes.  I didn’t believe him, I thought he was one of_ them _._   Jim had confessed to her.

**_“Can you tell me your name, son?”_ **

_James T. Kirk, son of your former commander and best friend,_ Leah wants to say, wants Pike to appreciate the true momentum of the situation.  But he doesn’t, not until much later.

**_“J.T.”_ **

**_“J.T’s a solid choice.”_** Pike says, hinting he knows there’s something J.T isn’t saying, but not pressing.  Instead Pike finds a knife – Bones doesn’t want to think about why it’s there – and cuts the bonds on J.T’s wrists.

Footsteps from the corridor sound again, heralding the arrival of the medics.  They shift J.T’s body from the table to a stretcher, the doctor shouting about critical organ failure and fluid levels.

Leah knows that Tarsus damages Jim immeasurably, and not just mentally.  Every allergy and intolerance he has is curtesy of prolonged malnutrition and abuse.

 ** _“He’s lost consciousness, we need to get him back to the facility!”_** The doctor shouts, already escorting the stretcher from the room.

And then the footage stops.

**Accounts of Kirk’s recovery aboard the Trepidation are detailed enough to let us know that he wasn’t an easy patient.  Sources quote him as “feral” and “wild”, recounting that on numerous occasions he attempted to break out of his room to visit his surviving companions.**

_They wouldn’t let me see my kids, Bones, they told me so many of them had died and that those that had survived were very ill._   The memory of Jim’s sorrow, still fresh all these years later, comes back to her from when he recounted his own version.

**It is even recorded that the Captain bit one of the attending nurses who needed stitches as a result.  The only person Kirk would consent to talk to was Commander Pike, who eventually learned his real identity.  It may interest many to know that Pike served under the Captain’s father on the Kelvin, and that his life is owed directly to him.  It is fitting then that Pike should save a Kirk, after a Kirk had saved him.**

**In time Winona Kirk was informed of her son’s condition and awaited his arrival back on Earth.  However, when the ship had docked there was no sign of him.  Seemingly Kirk had managed to escape the vessel shortly after its arrival on Earth and disappear without a trace.  Nobody could trace Kirk for the next eight years, and nothing is known about his activities at this time.  The real identity of J.T it seems was not revealed by Starfleet for fear it would worsen the publicity crisis surrounding Tarsus IV – imagine if we had known that not only had George Kirk’s son had been there, but he was the infamous _J.T_.  Starfleet would never have recovered.**

**How did Kirk spend nearly a decade trying to forget the horrors he lived through?  Did he drink to drown out his sorrows?  Did he throw himself into work?  Whenever pressed about this period he always refuses to say, sources close to him reveal.  The only thing we do know about this part of his life, is the bar in Riverside, a now _Captain_ , Pike found him in and convinced him to join Starfleet.  And so began Kirk’s more public career, one in which we already know everything about.  Or at least we thought we did.**

And Bones can’t take it anymore, can’t bare to force herself to read another paragraph.  It’s all just hatred and pain and suffering – everything Jim has tried to leave behind.

Has failed to leave behind.

And it isn’t _fair_ , Jim of all people deserves so much better than this.  He deserves privacy at the very least.  The universe owes him that much.

Leah allows the PADD to slip from her fingers onto the floor, curling up around the sleeping form of her husband.  She doesn’t sleep for a long time, far too much is occupying her mind, but the heat of Jim’s body is a comfort, and her own body relaxes.  She eventually drifts off into a fitful sleep filled with worry about the future and the past, her hands wound tightly into her husband’s t-shirt, anchoring herself.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated - won't be able to improve otherwise!


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